Ethereal
by margot-vitale
Summary: When Piper leaves Alex in Paris, Alex is left with her thoughts, her sadness, and Piper's forgotten journal solely about them. Will what Alex finds be a new beginning for her? Will she be able to mend her relationship or cut herself on the broken pieces?
1. Chapter 1

([Flashback- 10 months prior]

 _Alex._

I stare at the back of her head until she mumbles incoherently and turns over on the bed, and looks at me.

"Oh. _Oh._ Shit, kid, the sunset. I wanted to watch it with you, it's just work is so overbearing and I didn't know I slep-", I kiss her very hard on the mouth to shut up her ramblings, she tastes like vanilla.

"It's okay sleepy head, it was beautiful and all but not as beautiful as you are when you're sleeping. You're so delicate and light when you're sleeping. Almost as if too perfect for this world. What's the word? Ethereal? You're ethereal."

Alex laughs deeply, and smiles so bright with a playful glint her eyes.

"I don't think anyone has _ever_ said that about me. It could ruin my reputation as the bad ass Alex Vause! What is the world coming to?!" She over-exaggerates the last sentence, putting her hands on her head in mock-breakdown.)

* * *

When she hears the door click, she falls to her knees and cries.

A gut-wrenching sob escapes her mouth as she feels her world crashing down onto the floor, and she's cutting herself on the broken pieces trying so hard to piece them back together, in hopes that it'll somehow make her best friend and the love of her life come back and everything would be okay again.

She knows it's all her fault. She knows that if she just paid an ounce of attention to Piper while she was here, pulled her close and reminded her every reason she loves her and wants everything to do with her, they would be okay. She wouldn't be on the floor, suffocating on her tears and the pieces of her broken heart that are lodged intricately in her throat.

* * *

When Alex tells of her losses, Kubra doesn't blink twice when he tells her to take a few weeks to compose herself.

She's packing everything of hers into her suitcases, she usually doesn't take much when she's traveling but she thought Paris would be a good temporary placement for her and Piper. Look how that turned out. She sometimes stumbled upon an old t-shirt of Piper's which she holds close to her face and breathes, because she doesn't know if she'll ever smell her scent again for as long as she's alive. She throws away the shirts before she has time to process it and she moves on to the next box of stuff.

Some old business letters, letters from Diane (which Alex lingers a little while longer on and reads repeatedly until she feels she can move on to the next item), and then when she's almost done packing, she finds an old journal under the bed. It's leather-bound and when she opens it up to the first page, there's ' ** _Piper Chapman + Alex Vause_** ' scrawled on the top of the page in blue ink. She thinks it must be the notebook Piper was always writing in when she had to do business or when they had a moment worthy of remembering for a lifetime (and there was plenty of those). She debates in her head if she should read Piper's personal thoughts, but it was about them, about their memories, about _her_ , _her_ thoughts, _her_ wishes. _Her_. She knows she needs to read this. She needs to find where she went wrong. If she can ever piece it back together.

* * *

 _Note: Reviews and thoughts on this would be gladly appreciated as I am new to writing Alex and Piper fiction. Thanks for reading!_


	2. Chapter 2

Alex slips on some shorts and a tank top, pours herself some coffee and sits on the bed staring at the journal. She plucks it up and holds it near her face, pondering, before opening it up the first entry.

* * *

"I remember a wise person once saying "A house is made of walls and beams; a home is built with love and dreams". Home. My home isn't 4 walls and a bed. My home isn't some fancy mansion with maid service and liquor cabinets. It is her. Alex Vause. It is her exposed hipbones. It is the soft of her hand grazing my arm. It is her putting a piece of my hair behind my ear. It is the immense amount of peace I found when she whispered my name into my ear and smiled. We've been together for 4 months, today. I decided to start this journal because I need somewhere to put my thoughts. I need to get these out somewhere.

When I woke up this morning, our bodies were fishtail braided together. Her leg in-between mine, her arm draped over my chest, protectively. I sometimes feel like she sleeps like this because she's afraid I'll just leave during the night. She wants to keep me with her, close to her and protect me with her life. I don't think she knows I feel the same way about her. It's why I cling to her shoulder when she takes me to parties. I know I'm no perfect person, and I don't even deserve her, but god, I want to. I want to deserve her. I'm so terrified one day she will fall for someone new. Someone smarter, wiser, prettier, _better_. Maybe I'm just insecure. But I've always been. She's too good for me. But she chose me…over everyone else she could possibly be with. And that's something to keep me going."

* * *

Alex fixes her glasses and realizes she's been crying. She remembers their 4 month mark. Piper treated it as such a special, monumental mark. Alex never understood why month marks would mean so much, until Piper left. Now she understood all too well. Every month mark was like the next step, the next journey for them. It showed how far they've come, albeit slowly. Piper talked about her as if she put the stars in the sky. As if she was the sun to her.

There wasn't much writing on the next few pages, just drawings of flowers and Jupiter and an eye with Alex's signature wing above it. Alex smiles fondly at the drawings, and looks for more entries. She finds a couple that are schedules of days Piper planned for them to do whilst in Bali. Some entries are lyrics from songs, such as;

 _"Sunshine Oh sunshine,_

 _If you don't know why you shine_

 _You've got to go into the sun_

 _You've got to go inside"_

 _"If you love me_

 _I'll make you a star in my universe_

 _You'll never have to go to work_

 _You'll spend every day_

 _Shining your light my way"_

Alex recognizes the songs from the mix Piper made her. She goes to her duffle bag and pulls out t-shirts, socks, headphones, and then the mix with 'To Alex- Listen when you need a Piper reminder!' with a smiley face and heart next to it. She rolls her eyes and smiles brightly, and inserts the CD into her Walkman and puts on her headphones. She lets the music take her into another world. Her old reality. The one with Piper in it.

It's 5:46AM when Alex wakes up, cradling the journal to her chest as if it was Piper (because it sort of is) (the only Piper she has left in her life). She looks at her phone, semi hoping there would be a missed call from someone (a certain bright blue-eyed blonde that invades her mind every waking second since they met). But there's no missed calls or texts. She unlocks her phone, scrolls through her contacts until she finds the right number. She presses the call button, puts the phone to her ear and listens to the ring, it rings 5 times and goes straight to voicemail. Her mother's voice fills the phone speaker stating she can't get to the phone right now but to leave a message after the beep. She lets out a ragged breath she didn't know she was keeping in until then. There's a beep. And then silence. "Hey ma. It's Alex. I know you won't ever answer but I call in hopes that you'll magically answer and tell me how to deal with this. Explain to me how stupid I am, and hopefully explain how the fuck I'm supposed to move on or make my life better when the only time my breaths started to become erratic and mean anything is when Piper walked into my life. I can't do this anymore Ma. You always knew the right things to say, you knew what to do. Now how will I ever know what to do if you're gone?" _If you would like to listen to the recording, press 1 or if you would like to send it, press 2 or hang up._ Alex presses the red button, drops her phone to the hardwood floor and sobs. She sobs until she can breathe again. She sobs her mom's name. She sobs Piper's name. She sobs their names as if the mantra will bring them back. But it doesn't. And it won't.

* * *

( _[Flashback- Cambodia]_

"Y'know what? Fuck you, Alex. You're such an asshole. I mean, she called you, and of all things you could've done, you answered. You fuckin' answered. What did she want? What makes her think she has the right to call you?" I basically _seethe_ at Alex, if this wasn't the worst trip she's been on, she's afraid what would be.

"Are you fucking kidding me? I'm not gonna cheat on you, Piper. Why the fuck would I do that? I have all I ever wanted in my life right the fuck in front of me. Why would I give that up? Huh? Since you seem to think you know EVERYTHING, explain to me how I could be that much of an idiot. I wasn't going to ignore the call, Sylvie was a _mule,_ and I never know if it could be related to my job, Piper. Yes, I answered, she threw me an apology and wanted to talk because she had no one. So you know what I did? I told her to fuck off, she can find someone to keep her bed warm. I had more important things to do. So if I'm an asshole, okay." Alex rolled her eyes, running her hand through her hair and then threw the nearest object, in this case a lamp, onto the ground and bit back a sob.

"I'm going to bed. Whether you believe me or not, is up to you, but I can't just stand here and fight with you when that isn't what I want. Goodnight, Pipes." She starts to the stairs, and I speed walk up towards her and hold onto her waist as she stops. We stand there like that for a while, my left hand on her lower back and my right hand on her waist. We rock ever so slowly until our breathing is at a normal rate. We laugh. She laughs into my neck and holds me close to her chest. I apologize for being uptight and not waiting to listen to the whole story before copping an argument. She forgives me and kisses my forehead.)


	3. Chapter 3

**(2 months later)**

Alex wakes up, her eyes are tired and she's restless. She gets up, and turns on the shower, strips off her clothes and soaks herself under the steaming water. She stands underneath it and scrubs her skin raw, hoping if she scrubs the rag hard enough against her skin, she can rinse off her devastation. She just wants to not think anymore. Thinking leads to nowhere good. She goes to dry off and a baggie falls from her towel. The Heroin. Why it was in her towel, was beyond her. But she's opening the baggie before she can process her thoughts. She bends over the counter, forming the substance into a couple of lines and snorts it into her system. The pain is gone. She feels…happy. For the first time since Piper left and her mom died. This is good.

When Alex comes to, she's still in the bathroom, only she's on the floor. Naked. She gets up, walks to her bag, pulls out another baggie and a t-shirt, walks to the kitchen and sits on the stool. She puts on her t-shirt, eats a bagel and snorts some more H until she feels at peace, once more. She looms around the room until she sees the forgotten journal of Piper's on the floor, opened up to another entry.

"One thing I could never possibly stop loving is Alex's smile. That big goofy grin when she's unbearably happy and not afraid to show it. I want her to smile with her teeth, all her beautiful teeth. Except for when she really can't summon the energy. That's okay, because her grumpy face is just as ravishing as her smile. On her grumpy days, I make her breakfast in bed. Scrambled eggs, black coffee, blueberry bagel. I know it's her comfort food. I know Diane makes it better. But that's quite alright. I called her mom one morning and expressed that she raised Alex extraordinary."

.

.

Alex flips through the pages.

.

.

"She stopped inviting me out with her to parties. She'd apologize for my behavior. I think she's genuinely embarrassed of me. Embarrassed of how when I've had a little too much to drink I'll cling to her arm like a toddler to their mother's leg. When she's the only sense of reality I had left when I took two tabs of LSD and end up almost jumping off of our roof because I needed to be closer to the sun. I wanted to be a part of it. Bathe in it. She'd take me home early. She'd feel bad about herself when I cry in the bathroom. Play a CocoRosie vinyl until I come out, puffy-eyed and childlike. Hold me so tight. She'd lead me to the couch and play with my hair and we'd watch bad 3AM infomercials because we're honestly too tired and too comfortable being entangled in each other like vines. I wanted to tell her that it's okay. That it's okay she gets embarrassed of me and it's okay that we get bored. I'm still going to touch her like it's my quest to learn and relearn every part of her body, every hair, every line, every scar."

.

.

"She's learning to say sorry without making excuses."

.

"Is it weird to say I miss her when she's sleeping in bed, right next to me?"

.

"I woke up earlier to the loud incoherent mumbles of my girlfriend. She was having a bad dream, I realized. I scooped her into my arms, soothed her with soft touches and stroked her hair and kissed her shoulder until she stopped tensing and fell back into a peaceful sleep. She's so beautiful. What did I ever do with my life before her?"

Alex was deep in thought when her phone went off. It was an email. Weird, because it was the email she hardly ever uses. She goes in and checks it and almost drops her phone. The name, crystal clear. _Piper Chapman sent you an email!_ She thinks it must be a joke. A sick fucking joke. She thinks her brain is fucking with her. There's no subject, she goes and reads through. She bites her lip. Anxious.

To- Alex Vause -

From- Piper Chapman -

Subject- (No Subject)

"I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe knowing you don't use this email makes me feel a little better about doing this. I would've written a letter and just never send it, but writing hasn't been the same since I left you. It makes me physically sick to write about you. When you're not here. You're not the same woman I fell in love with all those years ago. Polly told me I should do this, it's healthier than drinking myself into oblivion and a better coping mechanism than hurting myself. I miss you so much. My mother's trust issues are leaking into my chest and I've got my father's nose and his tendency to stop calling back. So I'm sorry about the 9 missed calls I had from you and the 6 voicemails I never played I swear I'd love you if I could. But you're not you when you're enveloped in your business. You never cared about where I went that day or how I was. You didn't care. You didn't care. And I left because I know I would've went to jail for you, I would've done anything for you, I would've _died_ for you. And that's not a healthy way to live. I hope you're okay. I try to text you every day, but I assume you blocked my number because you don't ever see them. I sometimes find myself wondering what would've come of us if you weren't in your profession. If we would've worked out. In my fantasies, you're still around. You're still kissing my nape, and I'm still holding onto your arm, and we're happy and in love. Do you miss me, too? Of course you don't. I still think you stopped loving me a long time ago. But I hold onto the memories of when you did. And they are what keeps me going through the motions. I still love you… "

Alex starts to shake. This isn't happening, no. Why would Piper email her, miss her, or still love her? She reads through the email again and again and fixes her glasses. _I still think you stopped loving me a long time ago_. But she didn't? She didn't stop loving her. If she had, this would all be so easy. She goes to find the journal, still shaking. She turns through the pages, hoping to find why she thinks that. She needs a fix first. No. Yes. No, she can't, she can't have a fuzzy brain right now. She needs to know.

"I don't know why. I don't know when. She fell out of love with me somewhere down the line. I didn't think it would happen but all the signs are there, she doesn't even care if I'm here or not. She's out recruiting more mules and I'm in the hotel room drinking pints of whiskey. I don't know what to do. But what can I do anymore? I've loved her from far away and ruined every moment of it. I can't beg, perhaps I won't. I'm strong but she ignites a whole other fire inside of me. Sometimes people stop loving you. And that's the kind of darkness that never gets fixed."

Alex pulls out her phone and finds the next flight back to New York.


	4. Chapter 4

(Note: Brief self-harm mention, drug mention)

7 ½ hours without a fix has Alex positively itching for more. She did a couple of lines before the flight. Once her baggage arrives, she finds her car, finds a baggie, and sticks it into her pocket before packing up the car with her luggage. She sits in her seat, head against the steering wheel. She pulls out the baggie and lays out the lines perfectly on the dashboard. She inhales the substance. Now she's ready to go. First stop; Diane's house.

* * *

Stepping inside the house, she breathes in, hoping she could catch a lingering scent of her mother. Nothing. It's been 3 months. It will never smell like her mom lived here again. She starts to feel drowsy, drifting in and out of consciousness.

When Alex wakes up, she goes to check her phone. 4 missed calls from Fhari. 2 texts from Kubra. _1 email from Piper Chapman._ She unlocks her phone, opens the mail app. Hesitates. Taps her fingers against the edge of her iPhone. Taps the new email. _Loading_.

To: Alex Vause –

From: Piper Chapman –

Subject: (No Subject)

"I listened to your voicemails. God, oh god. I miss you so much. I wish I knew if you were okay. I went to your mother's funeral, you weren't there. I was so fucking hoping you'd be there. But you weren't. No one knows where you are. If you're okay. I am trying to be in control. I am trying to be 3 minute phone call laundry room floor confident, phone thrown on the bed, that was easy, that was easy, that was easy, but I listened to your voicemail 37 times until I was sure the mumbling was that's okay too and not I love you and I'm telling you that I am trying to make my hands stop shaking but maybe the vibration of my phone would calm them down if you know what I mean. Please if you're out there; if you're listening, maybe you could come home sometime soon or maybe you could reach out. I am still here waiting even if you think I ran away, I am waiting I am very good at waiting and I will wait for you. I love you. So much."

Alex drops her phone and tries to regulate her breathing. She missed her own mother's funeral. Piper went to her dead mother's funeral. Piper is worried. Piper feels bad. Piper is waiting. Waiting. She's waiting. Piper deserves to feel bad, she deserves to wait after the thing's she done, Alex thinks. But she knows she's so relieved. And she's reaching for her phone, finding her blocked numbers, unblocking the number she never thought she'd get any use out of, and presses the call button before she can allow herself to think about it. She's been doing that a lot.

* * *

 _Ring. Ring. Pause. Breathing._

"Alex?"

…..

"Alex, is that you?"

Alex starts to sob. She didn't think she could ever feel this at peace again.

"Oh, Alex baby, shh shh. It's okay. Where are you?"

 **I'm at my mom's.**

"You're in town? Shit, stay where you are. I'm on my way. Please, stay there."

* * *

She drops the phone and starts to hyperventilate. She feels as if she's suffocating and the tears won't stop flowing out of her eyelids, no matter how much she clenches her eyes shut to stop them from coming out. She feels lost. Hopeless. She can feel her lungs caving in. The baggie is on the counter. But she can't get up from the floor. She's so cold. She screams but no words will fall out of her mouth. She feels weak. She's throwing up stomach acid. She can't breathe. She scratches at her veins, they want so badly to be ripped out. Maybe she will. Maybe that will stop the hurting. She's sobbing and reaching for her pocket knife, failing to notice the door opening and rushed footsteps towards the living space. She feels warm hands at her back, and on her shoulders. She hears soft whispers that it'll be okay in her ear. Piper pulls her closer towards her warm body, holding Alex so close and so tight so she couldn't go anywhere but closer. Alex sobs. Piper is stroking her hair and rubbing patterns on her arm. Alex's breathing slows down after a while, she's shaking and tired. Piper moves the hair out of your face, making sure she's alright. **You want to go lay down with me?** Alex nods. They slowly stand up, Piper's arm around Alex's shoulder, keeping her in balance. They make it up to the bedroom, and Piper pulls at Alex's shirt, silently asking. When she gets the okay, she slowly takes Alex's shirt off, along with her pants and leads her into the bed, under the blankets. She's still so cold. Piper gets in next to her. Alex curls up into Piper, soon falling into a deep sleep.

When Piper woke up, she felt around for Alex but no such luck. She gets really worried and springs up off the bed, looking around the room, calling her name. She raced down the stairs and went into the kitchen and found Alex. She was rocking on her heels, looking intently at the counter. She had a blanket around her shoulders and was itching at her arms and nose. Piper steps closer, the hardwood floor creaking, startling Alex. She whips her head up to look at Piper. Her eye twitched and she looks at Piper, then to the baggie on the counter. Piper sees the baggie. She looks at Alex, nods in understanding and walks over to the counter. She raises her hand up near the counter, silently begging for permission to touch it. She doesn't know if it's dangerous territory to touch her drugs. But her eyes are pleading Alex to let her help. Alex finally speaks.

"You left the book there on purpose."

 **Yes.**

"Why?"

 **I...wanted you to listen. I'm not a good talker. I'm a good writer. I like to write. Ever since I left you, I stopped writing. Because I didn't feel good at it. I didn't feel anything. I would be writing about the galaxy and end it with a comparison to your irises. Loving you was the last thing I felt really good at.**

Alex looks at the baggie, she debates in her head if she should dump out the contents into the trash or into her nose.

"Do you still love me?" Alex questions, not looking up from the counter across from her.

 **Yes. I do.**

"Then I am begging you to get rid of all the heroin. I don't care how, I don't give a fuck about the consequences of mixing business with pleasure, and I don't care about the business. I missed my own god damn mother's funeral because I was so entranced with this drug and you leaving. I should've been there for her. And I wasn't. And if you don't take all the remains I have left of it, and _keep_ them away, I will take them. All."

 **Are you sure?**

"I'm positive."

"And Piper?"

 **Yes?**

"I've missed you…so much."

Piper kisses the palm of Alex's hand, softly. Assuring her she feels the same. Piper reaches over and swipes up the baggie before entering the living space with some of Alex's luggage. Alex walks in behind her, yawning.

"Al, is there some in these bags?" Piper asks, about to open the duffle bag.

"Yeah, in the duffle, and the gray suitcase. They're kinda stuffed in my bras."

Piper side eyes Alex, who has a growing grin on her face for the first time in 3 months.

* * *

The withdrawal symptoms start sooner rather than later. Alex learns quickly that detoxing with Piper by her side is less painful than doing it on her own. Alex never leaves the floor of her mother's bathroom. She's vomiting into the toilet. She feels as if she's bleeding from every pore in her body. She's shaking and sobbing that she's so fucking cold. Piper wraps a blanket around her form, holding her close until Alex moves away to puke again. She stands up and paces around the bathroom, shaking her hands as if the very motion will cure the aching in her bones. Alex is yelling at Piper.

 _Fuck you, Piper. I trusted you. You hurt me. Why are you here? Why didn't you just leave me to die?_

Piper soothes Alex's muffled sobs, holds her bear-tight. Doesn't let go for half an hour. Alex falls asleep with her face buried in Piper's neck. She tries to pick her up to take her to the bed, and succeeds. She lays her down, takes her clothes off. Puts Alex in her discarded oversized sweater and some leggings she found in her luggage. Wraps her up in multiple blankets. Plays a Beatles record and lays behind Alex, hooking an arm around her waist and curling her closer towards her. Alex turns around and buries herself into Piper's chest. Piper watches her for what seems like hours, absentmindedly twirling a piece of her hair between her fingers.


	5. Chapter 5: Desolation

The silence is never-ending.

After Alex kicked Piper out of the house, she can't stop pulling at her hair.

The silence is deadly.

But she can't stand to look at Piper right now. The woman she selflessly gave her all to, only to be thrown away at the worst possible moment. Alex doesn't think she will ever forgive Piper. Forgive her mom. Forgive herself. She's staring into the mirror, looking back at the lifeless being in front of her.

 _Tsk, tsk, tsk. Alex Vause, what have you become? Remember that tough, confident and bad-ass woman you once were? Where did she go? Is she outside on the porch with the wide eyed blonde she still fucking loves? Is she buried six-feet under the ground with the only best friend she has ever known? No, Alex. She isn't. She's inside of you. She's in your brain. In your blood. Running through your fucking viens. She's you. You're still you. Damaged beyond repair, but still Alex. Don't forget that._

Alex is stumbling to the front door, and looks out the window. She sees a small figure curled up on the bench, with the light of their phone illuminating their bright eyes. She opens the door a crack, and clears her throat, startling Piper. Piper looks up from her phone and stares into green eyes.

"Get in here. Ya look cold." Alex mumbles, while Piper still stares and fidgets with her hands.

"A-are you sure?"

"Yeah. We have a lot to work on, and if I just keep you on the porch, you might get eaten by wild dogs or raccoons and then we won't get to work on anything, and that's not fair."

* * *

This is how their new routines begin. It starts with poison spewing out of the other's teeth. A name that isn't their own being thrown at the other. Something is smashed. There's crying. There's pushing. There's Alex throwing Piper out of the house and letting her sit out there until she can breathe again.

* * *

One night is particularly bad.

Diane's birthday.

Alex wakes with the dawn. She looks at her phone, the date shining in her face and she throws her phone at the wall. She walks down into the kitchen, pours herself some Scotch and sits on the bar stool. She's three drinks in when she hears a noise from the living space and silently remembers Piper sleeping in there when she went to bed. She sees a peak of blonde from the doorway and Piper steps into the kitchen, rubbing her eyes and stretching her limbs. She breathes in and catches a faint smell of alcohol.

"You're kidding me, Alex. Drinking at 6AM? What the fuck has gotten into you?" Piper scoffs and goes to get a glass out of the cupboard.

"It's the 25th." Piper freezes. She slowly turns around, chewing on her lip.

"June 25th?" Alex nods her head and takes a gulp of the strong substance.

Piper slowly walks towards Alex and puts a hand on her shoulder.

"Don't, Piper." She takes her hand away and pours herself some coffee, mixing in sugar while Alex looks down. "I don't know how the fuck you did it. How you could just..leave, how you could just throw away 6 years of us, six years of LOVE, and just go on and live as if we didn't mean that much to you, and then come back and think we could push through the bad, and ignore all of the problems just to hold all of that love that we had. Fuck, I need Diane. She's who I would've turned to. She could've helped me through it. I wouldn't have coped in the ways that I did. But I can't depend on her anymore. I can't depend on anyone. Or anything. Piper, we're adults. We can't just ignore all of our shitty fucking problems and go back to how we were. You fucked me up, Piper. I don't know how I can trust you, or anybody for that matter. I don't know how to be confident. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. It wasn't only you though..I fucked myself up too. And now... well now we have to get all of our shit out on the table. Now, we have to see if we could ever fix whatever the hell we are." Alex gestures to them and gets up to pour some water.

"I left because our relationship was unhealthy. On both of our parts. I was so dependent on you, Alex. You were one piece that made me whole, and that's how I learned to live and that's another reason why I left. I have to learn to be whole without you. I have to complete myself. The truth of the matter is, Alex, that the way we were going, our end was nothing short of inevitable. You had me carry that bag, but that's not the worst thing. The worst thing is I would've done it again. Or more. Worse. Because my love for you had wings like a dragonfly. I would've done anything for you because you were everything I could've ever wanted in my life." Piper shifted on her feet and fidgeted with her cup.

"I don't know if I can trust you. You were the first woman I have ever fell that hard for. And you leaving was bad for me. Really bad. I don't know if I can handle that again."

Piper leans over the counter and strokes Alex's face lightly. "I'm going to make it up to you."

/

Alex's POV

/

I just want to feel like my life is worth something. That it is meaningful. I had everything. I was someone. I had money, I had friends, I had a beautiful girlfriend, I had my beautiful mom. Everything becomes before and after when everything falls apart. One thing I was never keen on doing was dwelling on the past. That shit is called the past for a reason. But god, I can't stop thinking about what would've happened if my life didn't come to a halt that day.

Piper went to work, so I decided to go shopping since I haven't left my house in god knows how long. I got to the store and started to shop. I got some fruits and vegetables, some snacks, two cases of water, coffee, and some things I needed for the house since I was going to stay at mom's until I can get my shit sorted.

I stopped at the gas station and bought a pack of cigarettes. Another addiction? Psh, I just need some type of distraction from going back to H.

I get everything put away and settled into the house, it's so quiet. Why is it so fucking quiet? I play one of my mom's records and start to make a smoothie that I found out about on the internet. It's supposed to 'cleanse' my body or some shit like that. I head noises by the front door. Which is fucking strange because I never hear any noises, ever. I grab a frying pan and tiptoe my way towards the front door where the knob is moving and the door is opening. Right when I'm about to smack a bitch down, I see a peak of blonde and realize all too quickly that it's Piper.

"Jesus FUCK Piper how the fuck do you keep opening that door? This is the third time you magically unlock it and walk on in! What, did you study to become some fucking wizard after you left? God." I yell at her and put the frying pan back and groan loudly. I'm quite good at the dramatics.

"You do know that I have a key, right? I'm not Harry Potter, and why the hell were you going to hit a supposed intruder with a frying pan? You really need to get outside more. You're watching too many movies. It's kinda sad." Piper says with her eyebrow raised and giggling inbetween sentences. It actually didn't cross my mind that she had a key.

I finish making my smoothie and take my first drink and wince. This is awful. Is it supposed to be awful? Did I make it wrong? Maybe I should give it to Piper.

"Do you want this smoothie?" I ask her while flashing my puppy dog eyes and pout.

"What did you do to it?" She looks at me and then at the drink, hesitating.

"I made it with love...and it's supposed to cleanse the soul! Not my soul, but maybe yours."

Piper takes the drink and smells it and takes a sip. She nods her head and drinks some more.

"Not bad, Vause. It's pretty good."

Is she serious, right now? I don't know what's wrong with her, and I give up trying to figure it out.

/

Piper finds her journal in the midst of Alex's pile of things. It's got corners folded, she assumes so that Alex can go back and look at the particular page. She wonders if she still reads it. She opens it up to the next clean page and starts to write.

/

"I want to take back every single thing I said that hurt you. I would carve them in ink on my skin and wear the tattoo so the words would scar me instead of you.

I want to reverse time and hold myself back from the teary phone calls and self-destruction. I want to let you sleep through 2AM rather than having you stay up talking me down yet again.

I want to unbreak all the plates I threw in blind furies I couldn't explain. I want to sew back together all the stories I burned when I decided to turn my back on the world. I want to give you the poems I tore up when nothing I did was good enough.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know you hold none of this against me, that you think I am more gentle than messy. But I remember everything, every stupid thing I said and every moment that I ruined. I have put a stain on us, on every otherwise-beautiful bit

and I regret making you put up with it."

* * *

 _Note: Hello, hello! I hope you all are still interested in this story. I'm sorry it's been so long, it took me awhile to get inspired. But I am back, and I'm ready to get this story back on track._

 _I'm also working on another story, Is there somewhere you can meet me?, based on AU's and self-made prompts, I'm trying to challenge myself._

 _I hope you're all having a great day. School is starting back up for me this Thursday, but I will always make time for these two stories, they are my children._


	6. Chapter 6: Ride

_Note: alcohol mention, drug mention and Piper POV in flashback, some quotes here and there from various sources, I'm sure you can spot them._

* * *

 **( [Flashback- One week after leaving Alex in Paris]**

Did I do the right thing?

 _Of course you did, Piper. The end to that relationship was inescapable._

Being with Alex didn't hurt, though. Living without her? Fuck, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't the most painful thing I've ever experienced.

She's fucking everywhere.

When I arrived back in New York, I rented a motel and attempted to wash the pieces of Alex off of my clothes, out of my hair, off of my body… attempted. Yes. Failed attempt? Yes.

I tried to dig her out from under my nails.

I bought two bottles of Vodka and drank so much in a futile attempt to vomit all of my feelings I have for Alex that are still very much present.

I stopped smoking, again. But I know that one of these days, I'm going to miss the burn of her lips on mine too fucking much and I'll sink to the bottom of a pack of cigarettes.

There are these drug parties all around town, and I met a girl at the bar who dragged me to one of her friend's. There were a variety of people, and so many drugs, that I got lost in the familiarity of them all. There were so many pills, so many pretty white pills. So many lines of white. So many pink tabs on aluminum foil. So many bongs filled with green. So many colors. I drowned in them. All. When I'm high and I think really, really hard, I can feel like she's still here looking at me. Like she's still here loving me. Like we're still together, lungs filled with poison but so much love still in our bodies. Still in our souls.

I've spent more times than I fucking should, writing about her eyes but Jesus FUCK I got lost in them seven years ago and I never found my way out.

I can feel my ribs closing in on my lungs, I can feel my stomach caving in on itself, maybe it's because I heard her name at work today, or maybe it's the cigarettes, I miss her so much, so fucking much that I'm dizzy and drowning and I have to sit down or stop walking, maybe it's the alcohol in my coffee and I miss her so much.)

* * *

It starts in a 4AM lit room. Alex is shaking profusely. Piper sleeping on the couch, oblivious to the hell that was coming. Alex is crying. She gets up and sits on the coffee table near Piper's head. She starts to stroke Piper's hair and then her face, a soft hushed whisper, "I'm so sorry."

Piper suddenly wakes up, not aware of her surroundings until she feels Alex's hand on her shoulder, and sees Alex's mascara stained cheeks.

"W-what is it? Are you okay, Alex?" Piper sits up and runs an unsure hand through Alex's hair.

"Kubra… His men.. They're going to find us. I have to protect you. You have to go. I'm so sorry I brought you into my mess again. I'm so sorry for not getting out sooner. I'm so sorry for everything, Piper. I know you regret all of it, why wouldn't you? but I love you. I've always loved you. And I will continue to until the end of time. I don't know how safe you are with me, so you need to go. **Now.** Before they figure out you're with me. Before they figure out we're here. Before they…" She can't finish her statement before hunching over with fresh tears.

"I love you so much, Pipes. Please never forget that." She states and stands up to rush to retrieve her things, but not before Piper halts her with shaky arms around her neck.

"I can't.. I can't leave you, Alex. Not again. I'm not going to abandon you again. You need me. We're in this together, and I am going with you. That's the end of it."

"But Piper, you have your whole life to live, don't be stupid."

"And you don't? You deserve better than living your life in fear, Alex. I'm not leaving you behind. I need you. We need each other. And you know it. Please.. just don't fight with me on this."

"You have your whole life here, Piper."

"You are my whole life, Alex."

/

And that's how they ended up in an unmarked car, with fake passports and IDs and $500,000.

They had a plan, and if that plan follows through, they wouldn't have to worry any longer.

If you asked anyone they were acquainted with where they were, they wouldn't have anything to say.

It was like they were never there.

Everything's gone.

And thanks to the little newspaper kid on Piper's block for having such a massive crush on her, he would've done anything for her.

Because the only link that they'd ever existed, was an obituary for Alex and Piper in the local newspaper, saying they died in a car crash.

That was all the bait they needed to sell until they hit Spain.

Because once they arrived in Spain, the hit they ordered came through, and Kubra was shot in the head while driving to the abandoned warehouse they stock all of the Heroin in. And while Kubra crashed into the side of the building, there was already police cars outlining the entire warehouse, and cops finding everything and everyone still involved.

Where does that leave Alex? Well, according to findings, Alex was never involved. Her name didn't come out of anyone's mouths because Fhari wouldn't allow that.

Upon seeing everything unfold from continents away, Alex looked at Piper. They looked into each other's eyes, for the first time since they picked up and left home.

Piper had a longing look in her eyes and moved a piece of Alex's hair behind her ear.

"You're free."

"We're free."

/

" _-but upon an unfortunate series of events saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky_

 _that I wished on over and over again, sparkling and broken,_

 _But I didn't really mind_

 _because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted, and then losing it to know what true freedom is._

 _When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I'd been living,_

 _they asked me why - but there's no use in talking to people who have a home._

 _They have no idea what it's like to seek safety in other people - for home to be wherever you lay your head._

 _I was always an unusual girl._

 _My mother told me I had a chameleon soul,_

 _no moral compass pointing due north,_

 _no fixed personality; just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean..._

 _And if I said I didn't plan for it to turn out this way I'd be lying..._

 _Because I was born to be the other woman._

 _Who belonged to no one,_

 _who belonged to everyone._

 _Who had nothing,_

 _who wanted everything, with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn't even talk about it,_

 _and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me."_

 _/_

They've been striving in Spain for about 3 months now. Truthfully speaking, they could go back to their lives anytime, the place they called home since forever, they were safe now. They could live. But Alex had a newborn fear of going back. Because she didn't have a home there anymore. Her home was wherever Piper roamed. And she didn't have to ask for clarification because she always knew that Piper felt the exact same way for her. It was always an unspoken sort of mantra for them. Home wasn't a place. It was a feeling. When Piper thought of love, she thought of coming home after a long trip. She had always thought she was unworthy of that kind of love. The love that would make the God's furious.

They weren't together.

They didn't exactly need to put a label on themselves..

They knew what they were, whatever they were.

Alex still has nightmares that she's going to be killed, that she's going to be taken away from Piper, even though there was no possible reason she would be killed anymore.

/

There was a conversation that needed to be had but never happened until a stormy day where they stayed inside and were curled into one another.

"Remember that week when I was in New York and we went partying, and we ended up on a roof, snorting cocaine with a 40 year old man in drag?" Alex questions, sitting up from her position on Piper's chest.

When she sees Piper nod her head, she continues, "We tried numerous drugs within the timespan of a week, and we did it because it was enjoyable, and spontaneous, and new and we had no boundaries. We thought of it as a temporary thing, just a week in the summer to feel new things."

"What are you getting at, Alex?"

"What I mean is, I thought I was in control. I thought I was capable of handling myself with everything that comes my way, you know? I never thought of myself as the type to get addicted to drugs or alcohol or anything like that. But I had so easily gotten into Heroin for months straight. And I would have spurts where I wouldn't sleep for a week. At least, I didn't think I slept. I would black out. A lot. And also… I slept with someone. I had done all of the drugs I was supposed to sell and I didn't want to risk Kubra finding out so I found a dealer in Paris and I fucked her.. and Piper I-"

Piper put her finger on Alex's lips, shushing her. Alex was getting herself so worked up she looked to be on the verge of having a panic attack. Piper rubbed soothing circles on Alex's spine and laid her head next to Alex's and looked her dead in the eyes.

"Baby listen, I don't give a fuck that you got into drugs for three months straight, or how much sleep you lost in that timeframe.. I don't care that you went home and fucked that person and woke up at 6am hating everything about yourself. You're not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness. It took me a very long time to realize that myself. We're just human. We're just two people that are trying to survive. If you feel bad, don't. What matters most, right now, is that we are here. And we are together. And we've overcome a lot of bad shit, and are going to still battle through more shit later in life. But right now, you're here. And you're alive. And you're okay. Fuck everything else."


End file.
